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Envy
Man Rules
Sunday, February 7 | 11:39 PM
Someone should give the author a Nobel Prize!
The Man Rules At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down Finally, the guys' side of the story. (I must admit, it's pretty good.) We always hear"the rules" From the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note ..... these are all numbered "1 " ON PURPOSE! 1. Men are NOT mind readers.
1. Sunday sports It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be. 1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. 1. Come to us with a problemonly if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for. 1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us .
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one. 1. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself. 1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials. 1. Christopher Columbus didNOT need directions and neither do we. 1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We haveno idea what mauve is. 1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that. 1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying , but it is just not worth the hassle. 1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear. 1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really . 1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as football orgolf. 1. You have enough clothes. 1. You have too many shoes. 1. I am in shape.RoundIS a shape! 1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping out. Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh. Pass this to as many women as you can -
I thought this sums up my Sunday rather well. Someone just told me again that I should get help. Perhaps I should just teach Sprite to perform some domestic chores like the above...
This is NOT a paid advert for New Moon products - which I don't take anyway.
The local schools have taken several measures to keep the spread of H1N1 at bay. Where I teach part-time, there is what I have coined the 3S process which students have to adhere to.
Step 1 :
Stick the digital thermometer into your mouth for the twice daily temperature taking exercises.
In view of the recession, the class chairmen will then prepare a Detol mixture in a recycled bottle; for this class, the form teacher had brought a New Moon product for this purpose.
Step 2 :
Stir your digital thermometer in the highly concentrated Detol solution to sterilise it.
Step 3:
Submit your thermometer reading to the class chairman (and STOP STARING at the photographer and pretend to look cool and suave).
In a few hours' time, I will have to lug 2 luggages, 1 laptop bag, 1 camera bag, 1 tennis racket and 1 trolley on board the plane to head home from Guangzhou.
In the meantime, I shall try to catch as many DVDs as possible before the flight.
I got addicted to Facebook for months when I first started out on it 2 years ago. That soon fizzled away, thankfully. Lately, I'm mysteriously drawn back into this dope of a platform. I probably need rehab!
The economy is in bad shape! It is in bad shape!Isaw a woman living in Beverly Hills cleaning a house she actually owns! The economy is so bad that I went to a wine tasting event and after you've tasted the wine, you have to spit it into the glass of the guy sitting next to you! I saw two kids in Beverly Hills having a face-to-face conversation because they can't afford to text message! That's how bad it is! The economy is so bad that Hollywood celebrities are skipping rehab, going straight into relapse.
These are my favourite funny lines from Jay on today's catchup on a past episode...
3 Mar 2009
President Bush is saying that he's leaving Washington with his head held high because it's the best way to spot shoes coming at you.
Osama Bin Laden has released a new tape where he displayed a shortness of breath and experts say it raises questions about his health. See that's how you know that this war is going on too long okay - our enemies start dying of natural causes - they're just dropping DEAD from OLD AGE!
In a landmark scientific breakthrough - this is pretty amazing, researchers at Duke University - I don't understand how this works. We should be asking our expert physicists. They are close to inventing a cloak of invisibility. It can bend light waves and make you invisible. They say it's like being an actress over 40 in Los Angeles. You will NOT BE SEEN! Amazing!
China is builidng a new Disneyland. Over there, Pluto will be both Mickey's dog and an item on the menu.
The Major of Mexico City has been giving out free Viagra. That is going to make it harder for guys to crawl under the fence.
Airports around the country now are switching from metal detectors to high-tech scanning machines that show a naked image of your body and this is raising a lot of privacy issue concern among people, especially women. The good news? The airport security guys are now paying attention 100%. They are actually double checking some people just to make sure. See I don't like those scanners. See, I am not comfortable. You know like the last time when I went through one, they were accusing me of hiding a piped bomb. It was just such a huge, huge problem. It was awkward.
28 Feb 2009 episode
You sound happy when he found out that Joe Biden and Hilary Clinton both pay their taxes. I think Barack Obama is a genius! I think this is part of the plan. Heaven knows when Barack Obama nominates someone, the first thing they do, is pay their taxes! He's found a way to pay off the deficit - nominate everyone in the country ONE AT A TIME until they pay off their taxes. And as you know Tom Daschle withdrew his name to be with the Obama cabinet, due to IRS problems. He says, "I will not be a distraction" See distraction is washing and talk for "Oh Oh, there are a lot of crap about me that you don't know about yet. Wasn't it just months ago that these people were making fun of Joe The Plumber for not paying their taxes? And Dasheld says his problem with the IRS were "unintentional". Of course they WERE unintentional! He NEVER INTENDED TO GET CAUGHT! See, to the Democrats, apparently, I guess they think IRS is I'm Really Sorry.
And the woman here in California that just had the eight kids and six more at home? Well, today, Tom Daschle proposed to her. He's NOT in love. He just NEEDS the DEDUCTION! PLEASE MARRY ME!
Here's my favourite part. The White House released a statement saying that the reasons their nominess are having trouble is that the new White House has set the bar very high. See, that shows you what's wrong with politics in this country. That's what the government considers setting the bar very high - HAVING TO PAY TAXES LIKE EVERYONE IN AMERICA! We can't be expected to do that?!
And the US Postal Service may cut service from 6 days to 5 days a week. They say they are losing money because people aren't using postal services like they used to. If you like to complain, you can EMAIL them to US postal service DOT com.
Why this is pretty very high-tech today. Google released free software that enables people to keep track of each other using their cellphones. Using this technology, you can tell where your spouse is at all times. Yeah... HOWEVER, it doesn't work with the iPhone. Today, every married guy in America went out and got it.
Amazingly last night, on an interview on British televion, Paris Hilton says she isn't very stupid. It's JUST the character that she plays. And amazingly, she has not broken character SINCE 1989.
Finally, a new study says watching too much TV can cause erectile dysfunction. HEY GUYS! STOP watching THE VIEW okay? That's YOUR problem!
The following was found posted very low on a friend's refrigerator door.
Dear Dogs and Cats:
The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food.
The other dishes are mine and contain my food.
Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack.
Racing me to the bottom is not the object.
Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king-sized bed.
I am very sorry about this.
Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort, however.
Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep.
It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out on the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom!
If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge in an attempt to open the door.
I must exit through the same door I entered.
Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine/feline attendance is not required.
The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt.
I cannot stress this enough.
Please don't complain about my pets ...
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That's why they call it "fur"-niture.
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted sons/daughters who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak clearly.
My all-time favourite sci-fi trilogy and the operating system, which most of us are stuck with, rolled into one crazy video. Have a good laugh and may you have an error/bug-free Windows day!
For a good laugh, I would watch my pre-recorded episodes of Tonight Show With Jay Reno. I truly like the way he pokes fun of real news items and statistics. Here are some rioting good times...
Today, Obarak Obama says that the reality of becoming President is beginning to set in. Hey, sounds like the mother-in-law has moved in.
President Obama has made very few changes to the Oval Office itself. He's keeping nearly everything President Bush had in there - same desk, same chair, same pens - well sure, the stuff's like brand new! It's hardly ever used!
This is kind of an awkward time for President Bush - he's too young to retire and yet to old to destroy the moral and economic infrasture of another country.
One of the few companies doing well, rather, during the economic crisis is MacDonalds. MacDonalds announced an 80% profit increase due to the recession. They're actually making money during a recession. Isn't that amazing? This makes it the first recession where people lose their house, they lose their savings but by golly! they're not gona lose their rest. YEAH. Times are rough honey, gotta losen the belt. It don't make any sense. It's the only country when you're poor, you get fatter!
And Citigroup, know who they are? They just got 45 billion dollars of our tax dollars. See what they bought themselves? They spent 50 million on a brand new French made private jet for their private executives. It has a bar, private entertainment center, seating for 12. If there's ever a reason they reopen Guantanamo Bay, this is it!. You know that's our jet! We should be taking that! They should be taking Southwest!
The economy is so bad that geese cannot afford to fly anymore now that they've collided with an anthrax train.
A 37-year-old flight attendant is suing Jet Blue Airways after a male flight attendant she couldn't get on the plane to get to her next assignment because she wasn't dressed provocatively enough. Her clothes were not sexy enough! Isn't that amazing? A STRAIGHT male flight attendant? What?! I was shocked! I was stunned by it.
And according British journal of psychiatry, marijuana can cause panic attacks - especially when you are almost out of marijuana.
Well, how disgusting is this? There's no easy way to say this. Scientists of the New York City College of Technology says that the Gowanus Canal of Brooklyn - the canal is full of gonorrhea. There is live gonorrhea living in that canal. How disgusting is that? At least that's what the guys are telling their wives, "Honey, I must have fallen into the canal."
Here's a shocking statistic. 80% of men with graduate degrees admit to pleasuring themselves. I didn't know they gave degrees for that? Did you know? I guess that's they call them the masters.